All The Feels

I spent a year without writing even an excerpt of self expression. Which is amazing because I felt a lot of ‘feels’ this year. The best I managed to do was compile flashes of time to my memory, and in reflection write out those moments. Some are merely passing memories, and still some have a novel length story behind these instances. Either way, you’ll gain a glimpse to my past year and a half within these small junctures. Enjoy.

1. The year was a string of small catastrophes, but in the midst of it were moments of delightful connections.

2. I saw his blue flannel drunkenly fall away into the night, and I sighed with relief.

3. She didn’t even manage a grimace, it was her smile that left me haunted.

4. His kisses weren’t effective for my libido, but his words aroused the deepest parts of my mind.

5. He roared with laughter, leaned in, and said, “Mary we’re all fucked up.”

6. She and him had a lot of history; three months of it, but it felt like decades.

7. Korea is a place that sometimes feels like all western rules don’t apply to friendship, romance, fashion, and life— its liberating. 

8. Her big lazy eyes danced with glee as she whispered, “let’s get fucked up tonight.”

9. It wasn’t anything she said, but I felt her disappointment, and I knew it would take me days to recover from it.

10. His smoky voice, big laughter, and inquisitive eyes were sometimes all I needed.

11. I saw the chatting bubble start and stop again as he tried to find the words— that’s all we were together that year, searching for words without any found.

12. His door opened swiftly and his smiling eyes immediately sobered at the sight of me.

13. She didn’t have much in stature, but her affection held a lot of power-everyone seemed to feel infinite if they were loved by her.  

14. We forced ourselves to be vulnerable with one another even when it hurt, and it led to the greatest love story between two friends. 

15. His infectious optimism could light up the dreariest of days. Everyone could do with a dose of him for happiness: inappropriate touching, bouncing dances, and trivial laughter.

16. I didn’t have on the right shoes, and it bothered me all night despite all the magical moments with him.

17. I fell into a drunken daze  on the street, and woke to a cutesy cloud of Korean girls touching me and gigglingly squealing,  “yeppuduh, yeppuduh, pretty girl!”

18. Every time she brought his name up, it was as if she was trying all kinds of way to tell us, “you cannot question anything regarding him and I— we’re entirely impenetrable of doubt.”

19. She was upset that I wasn’t there for her, and I felt inadequate because I couldn’t even be there for myself.

20. I drew my curtains in October literally and figuratively.

21. All the message said was, “I kissed him,” and as I read and reread the message, I was grasping to swallow the idea that her life had now changed.

22. We pretended it was normal between us all, we wanted it to be normal, and maybe it was normal because pretending felt pretty damn close to actually normal. 

23. Every time I’d see him roll his eyes at me, I would imagine an echo of his laughter that I once effortlessly caused only weeks ago.

24. My petals wilted by my social, emotional, and professional failures, but it was all very imperative for me to grow.  

25. They affectionately shouted at her, “Your face is so fuckin cute,” “you’re gorgeous, girl,” and as they spewed their girl-crush flattery, I quietly sat next to her while my insides ached of invisibility.

26. “I like boys,” he said, as he locked eyes with me; for that one moment, we were sober.

27. We were disheveled, hungover, and sleepless; breathlessly running to catch the bus— it was the best weekend I’d had in years.

28. She slyly leaned over the bus seat, looked to the side, and said with a cheeky straight face, “what trouble did you find yourself in this weekend?”

29. It was another one of those long weekends with them, but that night I knew that they hadn’t just embraced me as a friend, they brought me inside of their sisterhood.

30. I never had so many people teach me about god without believing in one.

31. The most complex thing about him wasn’t his intellect nor compulsivity; it was his brooding rage that was always burning underneath his nonchalant smirk, and we all loved every bit of it.

32. “You’re overthinking, Mary,” he muttered. He didn’t know that’s all I ever do: overthink without ceasing.

33. We laid against each other, staring in the darkness when he said what I already knew, “You like this, keeping me outside of your mind.”

34. The secrets in the corridors were always flowing, and I always seemed to be swimming in them.

35. I looked at all their eyes shining from too much laughter and slapping each other, and I knew then that we’d found our hearts a home with one another, even if it was just for now.